Lost Affiliate

By Apryle Vertido

It's been 1,826 days without your love and caring
It's been 109,560 hours and counting since I gave up everything
Everything I stand for, I believed and I know about you, me...us
It's been so long I don't know if you remember how the very last grip of my little fingers slept away along with my trust.

It's been so long since I let you go, It's been so long since I let go of the thought that one day you'll save me from this mess
That one day you'll dive into the water like they say you do to come save me from drowning with those people who keep on creating holes in my soul.
That one day you'll give me a taste of your love, that you'll keep me safe and sound.
That somehow you'll be there... to tell me to keep on going and go beyond the bounds.

It's been 5 years since your so-called children started labeling me names
it's been 5 years since I stepped into the flames
Where a life full of misery and pain, where people try not to be insane.
It's been five years.

They say you are the most powerful being in the universe. They say you can see everything from up above, you can hear the most indistinct whisper onto the very corner.
They say you're a friend, a lover, and a father.
They say you're always there. Always present from the hottest summer to the coldest winter.

But where were you when I needed you the most?
Where were you when I needed a friend, a family, a father?
where were you when I cried your name a few hundred times begging you to save me, where were you when they tried to break my body down to my core?
Where were you when they tried to... where were you?

Were you enjoying the show?Does your front row seat feel comfy? While you watch me get torn?
Did the lightning strikes blind you? Did the thunderstorms make you deaf?

I just want to clear everything that I'm not here because I'm hating
It was my 11-year-old self that was talking and expressing those feeling I've been keeping cause some of you keeps on misunderstanding things.
I wouldn't mind if you will consider this as sin but please keep on listening

As the time passes me by with those memories I have that keeps on haunting me at night,
I tried to gasp for air for the society was way too toxic to bear.
And I tried different things, bad things that my soul was almost sold.
Now I'm broken than ever, never listened to what I was told

Now here you are again knocking at my door
And coming back to you is what you ask for
but I don't think I can give you more for I am tired and broken down to my core
Coz honestly? I don't know what to believe anymore.

I don't care If they'll consider me as weak, throw shades and all those shit
Hate me for not having faith, or judge me what on I believe in I don't care! I don't care.

But please let keep my heart on my sleeves for a while
and maybe someday we'll meet on the aisle
And if you really exist maybe we can have a little chit-chat
Grab some coffee coz We have a lot to catch up

Maybe one day in the great wide somewhere, we'll meet there
under the moon with no one judging, with no more scars to hide or hatred to hold.
I'll be there.

I guess we'll be meeting soon.

DESIDERATA BY MAX EHRMANN (Full Stanza)

Desiderata - Words for Life

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

UNA'T HULI

Noong panahon na alam kong iisa tayo'y
hinaplos ko ang iyong mukha.
Wari'y alam mo na kung ano ang ibig ko.
Pinikit mo ang iyong mga mata
at unti-unti kong nilapit ang aking mukha.

Lumapat ang aking labi sa iyong labi.
Ito ang unang halik.
Bumilis ang tibok ng puso
at naramdaman ang daloy ng dugo.
Hindi ko napigilan at hinawakan ka sa likod,
ang tagiliran at hinaplos ang buhok.

Naamoy ko ang samyo ng paghinga,
at ng iyong balat. Palagay ko'y walang iba,
nag-iisa, at walang katulad.
Niyakap kita ng mahigpit.
Naramdaman ang lambot ng iyong dibdib
Walang iba, walang katulad.
Una't huli...

Una't huling yakap at halik.
Ikaw ang pinanalangin ko.
Sa napakahabang panahon, hiniling ko.
Ngayo'y akin ka'y hindi pa rin huminto.
Araw-araw ka pa ring hanap.
Araw-araw ka pa ring hinihiling.

Asahang mananahan sa puso.
Kailan ma'y hindi aalis sa isip.
Ikaw ang magiging gunita pagtanda.
Alaalang ihehele bago ipikit ang mga mata.
Ang taong mamahalin sa huling paghinga.

Ikaw ang una't huli...
Una't huli kong yakap at halik.
Una't huling taong nagpaalam ng pagmamahal.
Una't huling nagpatibok ng puso.
Una't huling mukhang sisilayan.
Una't huling taong gugustuhin.
Una't huling mamahalin.

PASUBALI

Nakakatakot. Nakakabahala.

Hindi ko maiwawaglit sa gunita

ang mga araw na wala ka.

Hindi ko makakayanang masaksihan

ang mundong walang dahilan at kulay.

Ang sabi nila’y, “tumindig!”

na para bang kay dali dali?

Hindi nila alam kung anong hinagpis

kung anong pait at kung anong sakit?

Napakadaling sabihin na “makakaya mo”

na “kalimutan” at “tanggapin”

at kung anong ka-eklatan para gumaan ang pakiramdam

Pero pucha naman! Naramdaman mo rin ba?

Naiintindihan mo ba? Sagutin mo ako!

Paano mo tatakasan ang gabing mag-isa ka na lang?

Sinanay ang sariling bago matulog ay magkayakap

Sinanay ang sariling nagbubulungan ng pagmamahalan

Sinanay ang sariling hawakan ang mga pangakong binitawan

na “ikaw at ako’y habambuhay na magkasama.”

Kaya nga sinasabi nila na ang mga salita ay binibitiwan

dahil kasabay nito ang pangakong maaring pwede ka ring bitiwan.

Kaya huwag kang umasa. 

Kung salita nga binibitiwan, ikaw pa kaya?

Bahala na. Ikakahon ko na lang ang pagmamahal.

PAGYAKAP

Noong bata pa ako

Pinangarap kong agad na lumaki

Pinangarap kong agad na tumanda

Kasi sabi ko mukhang masaya

Nauunawaan ang halos lahat

Kung bakit ganito, kung bakit ganyan.

Kaya naisipan kong magtanong

Binuksan ang isipan

Natutunan ang magbilang

Isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat….

Pagkatapos ay natutunan ko ring magsulat….

Ngunit naibulong sa sarili, “mukhang hindi pa ito sapat.”

Sinubukan kong buksan ang mga pahina

Pinilit maunawaan ang mga salitang binubuo ng mga letra

Hanggang sa natutunan ko na rin ang magbasa!

Kasabay nito ako’y tinuruan ng ina at ng ama,

Manalangin kung ako’y may hihilingin

Ibulong ko raw sa itaas at ipagkakaloob rin.

Maghintay kahit na matagal

Maging matatag kahit na nahihirapan

Dahil pasasaan pa’t ang lahat ng hirap

May mga mabuting bungang katapat.

Nabuo na ang pag-asa

Na kaya kong harapin ang mundo

Nang walang halong takot at pag-iimbot.

Pero alam mo, akala ko lang pala iyon….

Dahil bata pa ako noon….

Nang ako’y tumatanda,

Nalaman kong may mga bagay na hindi mabisa

Pagbilang, pagsulat, at pagbasa’y hindi sapat.

Dahil kung may higit pa na dapat malaman

Hindi lang pala sa utak ang dapat na lagyan.

Kundi pati puso’y dapat may laman ng pagmamahal.

Hindi ka makakatakas sa nakaraan…

Kung hindi walang pagtanggap.

Walang pagyakap.

Walang tuldok.

Walang pagtatapos.

Walang esensya ang matematika kung walang pakahulugan…

Nalaman kong kahit na sabihin kong…

Isang milyong beses akong nasaktan

Hindi iyon sasapat para mailarawan

Kung ano ang tunay na karanasan at naramdaman.

Kung paanong nadurog ang puso kapag nahihirapan

At kung gaano rin ako naging maligaya simula ng masilayan ka!

Hindi sapat ang magbilang…

Dahil kung may higit pa na dapat malaman

Hindi lang pala sa utak ang dapat na lagyan.

Kundi pati puso’y dapat may laman ng pagtanggap.

Hindi ka makakatakas sa nakaraan…

Kung walang pagtanggap.

Kung walang pagyakap.

Yung pagyakap at pagtanggap nang pinag

tagpi-tagping madilim na nakaraan.

Kung walang pagtutuldok

at walang pagtatapos.

Dapat na hawiin ang takot sa puso.

Subukan ang paglukso!

Huwag kang magpapako!

Gumising ka at may dahil may bukas!

Gumawa ka ng sarili mong bakas!

HINDI ANG PAG-IBIG KO

Nalaman ko na gusto kita,
simula nang masilayan ka.

Nalaman kong mahal kita,
nang naramdaman kong 
hindi ko kayang hindi ka makita.

Ikaw lang ang sinisinta
pinapangarap at iniibig.
Ang babaeng nagbibigay lunggati
kahit ang mga mata'y gising.

Ikaw lang ang iniibig.
Ang taong tanging gustong makapiling,
makasaksi ng taing bituin, at tala sa gabi,
habang nakahimlay at magkatabi.

Sa pagtanda'y iyong asahan,
parati ka pa ring liligawan.
Hihingi ng tawad sa mga kasalanan,
yayapusin at pagsisilbihan,
magkukwentuhan kahit saan,
kakain ng walang kabusugan,
tatawa ng malakas na parang walang bukas,
papawiin ang kapanglawan,
at susubuking magdala ng kasiyahan.

Di bale'y pipilitin kong maging malakas
para hanggang sa huli'y tayong dalawa.
Ang pangalan mo ang siyang huling sasambitin
ang iyong mga mukha ang huling sisilayan,
ang iyong balat na masamyo ang huling aamuyin,
ang iyong buhok ang huling hahaplusin,
ang iyong lumiit na katawan ang siyang huling yayakapin,
ang malambot na mga labi ang huling hahagkan,
ang kamay mo ang huling hahawakan,
at ang pagmamahal mo ang huling mananahan...

dito....

sa masilakbong puso...
na kung malipol ma'y dahil sa katandaan...

unti-unting mamamatay...
titigil...
maglalaho.

pero tandaan mo...

hindi ang pag-ibig ko.

HINDI MO ALAM (LIHIM)

Ito ay isang tula na hango sa simpleng paghanga lang ngunit naging malalim ng buuin na ang mga salita.

Hindi mo alam sa bawat lingon at sa bawat gilid ng aking mga mata

Pilit kong patagong sinisilayan ka

Hindi mo alam. Dahil paano mo nga bang malalaman?

Ang isang sikretong hindi ko kailanman isisiwalat kaninoman?

Hindi mo alam na kahit tigre ka, hindi ka perpekto

at hindi nakikita ng iba ang natatago mong kalambutan,

Sa akin nagiging mundo kita at pinipilit kong

Araw-araw, segu-segundo na kalimutan

Itong nararamdaman ko para sa’yo

Dahil sa simula’t sapul pa lang

Alam kong hindi magiging tayo.

Dahil kailanman, hindi mo malalaman

Ang kaibahan ng kalangitan sa kalupaan.

Hindi hahalik ang kalangitan sa lupa

Hindi ka rin baba mula ‘dyan

Dahil simula’t sapul pa lang nang masilayan kita

Nalaman kong hinding-hindi magiging tayo

Hinding-hindi. Dahil iba ang mundo mo, at iba ang mundo ko.

Dahil ang prinsesa ay kailanma’y hindi maaaring mahawakan

Ng isang hamak na tagapagsunod lamang.

Kaya nakakalungkot lang

Dahil simula pa lang nang makita kita

Nalaman kong imposible talaga.

Imposible talaga.

Kaya lilisanin na lang kita. Lilisanin na lang kita.

Babaunin ko na lang ang mga nakaw na sandali

Mga maiiksi at pigil na tanong

Mga limitadong kwento dahil baka malaman mo

Ang sikretong matagal na ring itinatago sa’yo.

Kaya lilisanin na lang kita. Lilisanin na lang kita.

Babaunin ko na lang ang mga nakakatuwa mong ngiti

at ang iyong maliliit na mata na kumikislap

Ang mga nakakabusog mong tawa na minsan ko lang marinig

Ang iyong magandang mukha na maaaring sa panaginip ko na lang

muling masisilayan.

Paalam, prinsensa. Isang nakakatuwang panaginip.

Isang nakakapanabik na alaala.

Nakakatuwa lang na kahit papaano pala,

nalaman kong ang prinsesang nakikita nang iba

na nakakatakot lapitan at makausap

ay kaya naman pala na malapitan.

Pero alam kong hanggang doon na lang.

Hanggang doon lang!

Kaya lilisanin na lang kita. Lilisanin na lang kita!

Dahil sa simula’t sapul pa lang

Nang una kitang masilayan, nang unang nabihag mo ako
at nang unang nalaman ko,
Malabong maging tayo.

Siguro ito ang isang bagay sa buhay ko
na kahit kailanman
hinding-hindi ko makakayanang maabot.

Sa lahat. Sa lahat lahat ng pangarap ko.
Ito lang ang bagay na hindi ko kailanman makakayanan.
Hindi masasabi.
Hindi magagawa.

Dahil sa simula't sapul pa lang.
Alam na alam kong mabibigo ako.
At alam mo? (ay hindi mo nga pala alam)
Na ito lang ang bagay na naging mahirap sa akin.
Ito lang ang bagay na naduwag ako.
At hindi ko 'to inaasahan na darating sa akin.
Dahil alam kong matapang ako.

Matapang ako, matapang ako, matapang ako.
Pero kahit anong bulong ko sa sarili ko?
Wala. Wala akong napapala!
Wala akong makuhang lakas ng loob...

Ngayon lang ako naging gan'to.
Kaya ganito na lang...
at alam kong ito ang tama.

Lilisanin na lang kita.

Nakakalungkot lang pero...
Hindi mo ito malalaman.
Hinding-hindi mo malalaman.
Hinding-hindi mo malalaman na nalulungkot ako.
Hinding-hindi mo malalaman na nanghihinayang ako.

Lilisanin kita at siguradong-sigurado na ako doon.

Kasabay ng mga masasayang alaala
na ako lamang ang may alam.
Lihim na ako lamang ang magdadala.
Dahil sa simula't sapul pa lang
nang tumapak ako sa mundo mo...
alam kong walang magiging 'tayo.'

Quotes #16

LOVERS

(Image Source)

When two people struck by Cupid,

Withered river of love will revive

World of their own soon will establish

Interference to their world by others

is highly forbidden. And you my fellow,

will be just a part of their world.

When two people are in love

Distinctions between them isn't important

What matters most is what they really are

And what they really feel from inside.

The magic and connection of lovers

Is infinite and mysterious.

Albeit we didn't see love’s formula,

We just feel it when it’s our turn.

We just know it. That’s love.

Magical. Full of life. Eternal.

PARADOX OF LIFE

(Source)

Life is the process of contradictions.

Have you tried to ponder about it?

I am human evolved from an animal

And my civility is from barbarity.

I am happy to be unhappy at times,

For sadness is the root of happiness.

Likewise laughter’s out of weep

And intrepid starts from fright.

Sometimes we are fortunate to be unfortunate;

Life isn’t lenient, there’s intricacies.

I am fortunate that sometimes unfortunate,

For I know now what life is.

Life is the process of contradictions.

I tried to ponder about it.

I found life began from nonexistence

As to light out of darkness.

How do we know the significance of life?

If we have everything in our hands.

How do we flicker our emotions?

If we don’t have any realization.

How do we know love?

If we don’t undergo with hurt.

How do we know victory?

If we don’t experience any defeat.

Now, you see the paradox in our lives?

We are bound to accept things as it is.

Whatever the cost of its hardships,

We must leave that all behind us.

Love Mends Fate

Photo credit: https://www.tumblr.com/search/love+message

My life wouldn’t be great

If you and I didn’t meet

It seems both of us were meant

Realizing lately we were discrete.



It’s been years before

I noticed you and adored

I think Cupid opened the door

That made you my life’s core.



Maybe some says I’m dreaming

For you and I aren’t beseem

But our fate can be vary my dear

If you and I will still be the same.



If broken glass can be mend,

then love can mend our fate.

THAT'S WHY I HATE SUNSET, THAT'S WHY I HATE NIGHT

I love the wonderful morning

Fresh breeze blowin’ and sun comes shinin’

That gives me enough strength

That gives me ample happiness.



But when the sun losing its time to shine,

I always left to be solely

The emptiness invades all of me…

That’s why I hate sunset,

That’s why I hate night.



As darkness fills out my room,

As my heart beats slowly in my chest

Feelings and thoughts of sorrow came crushin’…

That’s why I hate sunset,

That’s why I hate night.



Questions runnin’ in my head

How can I escape the shadows of sadness?

Should I wait for another sunrise?

That’s why I hate sunset,

That’s why I hate night.



My mind thinks of you again

I’m missing you every now and then

As before, I’ll wait for you ‘til morning

Even I hate waiting during the sunset,

Even I hate waiting during the night.



And when you visit me once more

To see each other’s countenances

I will not let you to depart!

For I hate waiting during the sunset,

For I hate waiting during the night.



But as for now my dearest

I will just reminisce the days we were together

As if the time won’t be over

As if you will never leave me once more

As if I will not wait for another day

Even the sunset steals the sunshine,

Even the night filches the day.

Hard Days

Each day seems to be tough

And within me, seems to tear apart

I think it is my heart

That feels a burden inside.



I always hear my heart’s throb

That recently I didn’t perceive

The reason I think now is I’m sad

For I’m apart from someone I love.

Lunacy

Darkness conquers the night.

And this time within me,

My heart screams out loud.

I am chained with wretchedness. 



I find myself contemplating,

Of things and moments I missed,

Sit on the bench outside,

I see nihil but blue and black.



I didn’t notice the moon above,

It is moving towards me.

It becomes bigger and bigger,

Nearer and nearer until it stops.



Empathizing my melancholia,

The moon shines so bright.

It reached my eyes,

Surge of bizarre comes in me.



The gargantuan moon is in front of me,

Almost eating the whole of body,

The moon setting pressure in my chest,

I could hardly breathe.



I grasp air amidst of the scene.

I behold of the moon’s circled shape,

But I cannot prolong gazing on it,

For its stolen shine cauterize my eyes.



I touched my bosom,

I can no longer breathe.

I am suffocated.

The sun engulfed my spirit.