LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, THEY DON'T KNOW WHO ARE

Many people are chained with expectations set by other people. They are slaves of pleasing other people and are afraid to stand on their own. They are afraid to dissent from the majority because doing it might endanger their image. They don't want to be left out. Are you one of them? Are you afraid of what others might think of you? Are you conscious with your self-image?

Remember this quote from Preity Zinta:

People will always have an opinion but do not worry about it because there are times they do not also know how to run their lives that is why they try to waste their time on other people’s lives.

I believe in one of the tenets of existentialism: "You live alone and you will die alone." Indeed, I was born alone. In fact, all of us were born alone except for those people having twin siblings. All of us will die alone too. I cannot die and take someone to accompany me in my death, right? Although I am not denying the fact that it was through my mother and father that I am here.

So, here I am. I am living my life with my family, friends and significant other. But I see to it that there is a line between me and those people around me. I live my life. I do not live with their expectations of me because I am not that person... I am not pressuring myself what other's think of me as long as I am happy and as long as I am not stepping on their rights and dignity too.

I see a lot of people living in someone else's shadows and most of them are not genuinely happy about it. Why? Because they spent their lives with someone else's expectations and not with their hearts' desires. But of course, it is up to them if they will continue to live their lives like that. I am just astonished how many people can endure it.

Why I don't bother about what other people think? Let me share my story:

I came from a family who lived in a poor country and in a poor place. When I was young, I vividly remember how hard for us to find food and to live our lives. We do not have permanent shelter. We live a nomadic life and call ourselves as NPA (which stands for No Permanent Address). We worry a lot about what will happen the next day, if we have food to eat. We worry every month because the landlord will try to collect the payment for our rent. Our life is really hard that time, we live in hand to mouth.

My father is a cab driver who couldn't support the entire family of seven, a drunkard and I find him irresponsible. But I don't blame him for that because he was raised for that kind of living since my grandmother and grandfather robbed him a chance to live a beautiful life. But of course, there are no perfect person like my father. I still love him though he is somewhat irresponsible. My father taught me how to read "Abakada", how to fight those kids who bullies me, and courage. I thanked him a lot.

My mother is a housewife. She is a martyr, loving and nurturing. She taught me the English alphabet, how to count from 0-100, and how to pray. She always encouraging me to study very hard because our country respect those people who earned college degree.

My grandmother, my mother's mother (who is now on a safe place), lived with us that time, she was illiterate and couldn't write very well her name. She was a vendor of merienda (Filipino snacks every afternoon) and sometimes viands. She does not earn that much by selling but somehow it helped the family to survive for some time. I admire her because she was strong although we were not very close when I was young (because she does not talk much), I still love her. I still remembered the time her face lit up and she seemed very happy about my achievement when I read the sentences in Filipino booklet (Abakada) aloud. I was reading "Si Bobo at Si Lito" with pride to them because I correctly read the words "ng" and "ang" in short paragraphs.  

My two sisters during that time were high school students. Fortunately, my eldest sister finished high school while the other one didn't finish it (she made it to second year high school) because she got impregnated by a young lad. Good thing they didn't end up with each other since the young man and his family didn't treat my sister fairly. Now, I have two nephews from my sister (both are handsome and both have different fathers). Unfortunately, the fathers left my sister. Anyway, I am very lucky to have my sisters. I am proud of them. I don't care if they didn't make it until college since they have work and can earn a living. If not for them, I didn't finish my college. My sister (next to eldest) taught me how to write my name in a piece of paper because I told her that I really want to know how to write. Hahaha.

My brother and I were very young that time but it was clear to us our way of life, how difficult life for us. At a very young age, we experienced to eat only rice with just sprinkled salt on top of it just to have a little taste. We even tried to coffee drink, soy sauce, bagoong (shrimp paster), sugar, or any available condiments as our viand. We are lucky to have real food when my grandmother earn enough from selling some snacks or if my father earn enough for driving a cab. We are also lucky to taste great food if we have neighbors celebrating birthdays, baptismal, or wedding (because it is a common practice in our culture whereby your neighbor will knock on your door to offer you some food if there are occasions). Unfortunately, we didn't get away from the tough times....sleeping with our empty stomachs.

When I was young kid, I experienced watching a TV from my neighbors window with my brother because there are times when we do not have electricity in our house due to unpaid bills. I experienced not to celebrate our birthdays, Christmas and New Year because we don't have enough money. I experienced transferring from one place to another because we have a lot of debt and sometimes we cannot afford to live anymore in a bigger house (made only in cement, sometimes wood, with a roof made of galvanized iron sheets). We transferred to many places (9 times as I remember excluded living with our relatives to runaway with debts).

However, I am still fortunate that time because I was able to enter elementary school by insisting my parents even though we don't have enough money. I always asked them, "When can I go to school?" I asked them almost every day, day and night, just to let them know how eager I am and how I coveted other kids wearing uniform. Then, it happened. I was accepted in Grade 1 at the age of seven years old. I didn't enter preparatory school since we do not have enough money. 

I am also lucky that time because my grandmother got me an old bag from my cousin. However, my life does not get better. We still a lot of problems during that time but it is okay with me because I am used to it. 

The problems that I encountered when I was in my elementary years were absences and late. As usual, the reason will be lack of money. My mother does not want me to go to school because I do not have food or allowance. But there are many times that I insisted to her (at the age of seven, I am really hard-headed) that I really want to take my class even though I don't have any food in my bag. I got only 2 pesos (if lucky) to afford water just to quenched my thirst. Yes, I admit it was kind of sad. I study and go to school without any money or food but you know what? I am lucky to be unfortunate that time because I have stories to tell with others who are not contented with their lives. I am lucky because at a very young age, I know how to value life and money. Anyway, though I do not have any, I am proud of myself because I love to recite in our class. I read loudly our books when our teacher asked us (which I borrowed to my seatmate). I am also lucky during my elementary years because I have a teacher who really helped me in times of dire need (maybe she knew back then that I needed help). When I do not have food, she offered me one. When I do not understand my lesson, she helped me. I love my teacher and her name is "Mildred." I won't forget her.

In my elementary years, I became an honor student and it is because I value education. It is the only thing that I could brag to other people. It is the only thing that other people cannot rob away from me. In my high school years, I am also an honor student and a scholar. In college, I got a chance to be a scholar for some time although I wasn't able to finish it with Latin honors. I am currently, finishing my post-graduate degree and currently searching for my second job. (*crossfingers*)

These are only few things that I experienced. This blog will not be enough to detail every stories. The problems with my family, my problems in school where I stopped for one year, how I sell books just to earn an allowance and make it to school, and others.

I live a difficult life and I know there are others out there who experience worst. But you know? You don't have to hide who you are. I am surprised how other people forget where they came from. I knew people who live as if they never experience poverty. They act as if they can waste money to go somewhere and to buy some branded things. They treat you like you don't know what they are trying to tell you, to make you feel uncomfortable. It is like when you don't follow them, you will be left out. If you don't go somewhere with them they will treat you like you don't have money or you are not a person who earn enough. There people who asked me if I experience this and that, if I experience go here and there. I just listened to them and tell them I don't have enough money to spent for such things. I don't feel like going somewhere not thinking about saving money for future. I am not really that kind of person. I do not care if they think of me as someone who don't belong to upper class or even if I reach that top I still do not care what other people think of me if I don't wear a lot of branded shirts, shorts, pants, and bags. I do not care if I do not go to fancy restaurants. In fact, I could go somewhere now, but I would not waste my savings just to take pictures and post it somewhere just to let the world I ate there or went there. I do not care if they see me as a serious person or someone who is only good at academics. But let me tell them this:

Screw you! You do not know how I go through difficult life just to earn my education so don't tell me that you know better than I am! Don't tell me I know only reading books because you don't know how I am good at living my life...because I SURVIVED LIFE'S BATTLES. 

I am not a person who flaunt a lot although I love to talk about important things but I don't tell my life. I only tell things but not who I am. So you don't know me. You don't know a lot about me. 

So for others, do not forget where you came from. Do not live on other people's expectations. Be yourself. They don't know how great you are, surprise them someday about how successful you are with your life.